Guilty Gertrude: Lollies

Dearest Reader, 

We all have guilty pleasures; it’s what makes us human, in the way that all humans are flawed, thus the guilty pleasure. 

This guilty pleasure is, if not anything else, seasonal. I’m sure you’ve noticed the green, orange and black decorations cropping up in Woolies, Coles, and the dollar store that already has suspicious and creepy energy.  The Halloween season is upon us. And whether you love the spooky time of year, or you think that we seriously need to let go of the Americans’ leftover traditions, I know that you guiltily sneak one or ten too many lollies. 

Disclaimer: I do not believe in fat shaming and think that it really should be appropriate to suck on lollipops until your teeth turn green. But maybe just keep your dentist in mind this spooky season. 

BUT, this guilty pleasure is, in fact, not that of eating lollies (we do that all year). The guilty pleasure is the type of lollies (and maybe the volume of wrappers left on your desk.)

We’ve all been taught that cannibalism is bad, right? (stay with me) Then why do we so readily suck and chew on human body part shaped lollies and chocolates just because it’s Halloween? Perhaps the deepest and darkest craving is that of human flesh. Or is it a mere curiosity about the taste of flesh? Either way, we are fascinated with wrapping spheres of chocolate in foil that vaguely resemble a body part. I am always so guilty about absently popping an eyeball in my mouth, but cheap chocolate just hits different sometimes. 

There’s also that one type of chocolate or lolly that you only eat around Halloween. And then because it’s Halloween, you eat way, way too much of it. I asked the Interp Team about their guilty pleasure Halloween lollies. Our lovely vice-president Suki sneaks in Mars Bars, resident plant lady Emily loves Milkways, and the car racing fanatic Vic will chow down an entire bucket of sour worms. Suki and Emily highlight a societal phenomenon that has irked me for many decades. 

Along with the disturbingly human confectionery served to children this season, there is always that one haunted bag of mixed wrapped chocolates. And what you pick from that bag says so much more than a personality test on Buzzfeed could ever say. For example, if you like a Bounty, you will probably die alone. If you prefer a Milkyway, you were perhaps popular in high school. And if you pick that bag of Skittles, you are probably the weirdest and most unhinged person your friends have ever met. 

I don’t particularly have a solution or outcome to this universal predicament. I don’t see it going away any time soon, and there shouldn’t be any shame in it. Just know that you’re not the only one feeling guilty about your chewing habits; you are not alone.